so...i went to the ear training lab today...i still need to pass 2 tests, out of 12. and...on the triads test i keep getting a 76 when you need an 80 to pass. i cannot tell you how in furiating that is. it would be one thing if i just couldnt do it...but to know that i can...and i keep coming so close...that pisses me off. then i need to finish intervals which ive gotten a high score of a 60 on. i dont know how im going to pass that one. and ive got....3 days. i really hate this. really really really. i was in there today and almost cried just because i cannot stand it anymore. this semester has been so hard and a huge transition for me. and i have worked harder on all this shit than anybody. ive gotten As on tests in Theory where the teacher said i would fail and i am doing so well in every other class. i dont want one question (which is worth the 4 points i need) on an ear training test to fuck this up. i want this so badly. although...even if i do pass these by the end of the week i have no idea how im going to manage with ear training 2 in the summer. summer classes are easier...but theyre also over the course of less than 2 months. meh. i want it to be over.
in other news...i went to theory this morning at 9....exhausted from lack of sleep as usual...only to find out that this week classes are optional because all we are doing is reviewing. which means....i could have been sleeping until....about now. since my next class starts in a half hour. i cant even remember the last time i went to my 9am class with more than 5 and a half hours of sleep. thats bad....i think. im just so....tired. all the time. and whats worse...is tonight and tomorrow are going to be hell. i have one paper to finish, a whole one to write, a recitation, and two tests. all in the next two days. but...after that....it will be over until the following week when classes are over and i only have two finals. but then....then i will be done. for about a month or so i will have nothing to do. and i so cannot wait.
on the good side of things...i got hired at Borders down here. i go in today to fill out paperwork and ish. thats exciting. i will once again have money. wee!
Ben's band is coming downt this weekend to record with Rob. thats exciting too! theyre staying in my apartment though....which im sure will end up going badly because Erin likes to get pissy everytime i have someone over. especially when they stay....like with Bluf...she woke them up and yelled at them....so...we'll see how that goes. but still...it will be good to see Ben (and i think Chris).
so...another things thats adding to the shitty mood (because theres always more). i feel....insecure about this relationship right now. before...i felt completely secure and then things went to shit so incredibly quick. and now...things are alright...but that doesnt sit well with me. i am constantly looking for problems and trying to avoid them...and im doing something that i used to do in my last relationship again...im watching what i do, what i say, and how i act. and im stopping myself. which...in some cases is good...but i hate that now i am somewhat afraid to be myself. although, would i want to be with him if he didnt like the person i was? if i couldnt be myself? i dont know. i hate doing this...and i know i should just relax and let things be. but after what happened a few weeks ago...i just...cant. i was scared then and im terrified now. because exactly what i was afraid of happened. and if it happens again then i dont know what ill do. i mean....yes, i came to a lot of realizations...and i dont take this nearly as seriously anymore...and i know i will be fine if things go to hell. but its just weird...hes acting like everything is perfect and i am waiting for him to look at me and tell me horrible things about myself and just leave. which was something i was getting over...something i was over. until shit happened. and now that feelings back. ick.... i hate talking about this. i feel so pathetic. but... i just...have to talk...somewhere. i want to be comfortable in this relationship. but i cant help that it feels so insecure. i dont know what i need. i dont want to talk to him about it...but....i may have to. meh. life is complicated. relationships even more so.
im glad i have this thing...so i can just....type...talk about everything that no one wants to listen to. yay for livejournal. but boo for sucky feelings. alright....off to class.